Edit: Uh, I meant to save this in my drafts. Well, since it’s already been published, I better clean it up!
I’ve been really dissatisfied lately.
I already know what I’m passionate about/makes me happy and to be away from these things upsets me. But I understand that being in this limbo is necessary for the time being. I just gotta trudge through this!
Last Thursday I was on the edge on an anxiety attack so the first place I went to was the third floor of the OU art school. I intruded Marwin’s lithography class and greeted everyone with the question: “HEY, CAN I GRIND A STONE!?!” And Marwin let me grind down a block of limestone for about an hour. It’s the best stress reliever I know—continually rinsing the limestone, spinning the levigator over the surface in an ever-changing pattern until it’s as smooth as a baby dolphin…My mind just instantly calms down.
So, the anxiety I’ve been having comes from the fact that I am so eager for the adventures to start. I’m ready to jump into a new environment and to focus on the skills I’ve been meaning to focus on for the past year or so. I want to be reunited with my best friend in Berlin…but I have to remember to slow my mind down because preparing for my travels is just as important as the trip itself!
Mi comida favorito es
Desayuno: un huevo, tostada, y café
Ir a correr a lago de Hefner
Y Ab Ripper X después
Hablar por teléfono con mi amiga desde Granada
Ver El Cartel del canal Telemundo (actuación muy mal, pero divertido)
Ir a la biblioteca
Para estudiar la gramática de español
Té y leyendo los libros con Grace a Panera Bread
Mi libro favorito, Candide, me siempre reír
Cena con mis padres
How are you feeling?
I feel hopeful and optimistic.
What good coping have you done?
I’m trying to rethink. I’ve read all the eating disorder books that Cassie’s given me. I research articles related to “body shaming.” I share these ideas with people that support me.
Not gonna lie, it’s difficult to maintain positive thoughts and to stay away from mainstream body ideals. It’s as if I’m un-doing years of brain washing.
On a brighter note, I have chosen to take care of my body which includes eating right (sort-of) and exercising moderately.
Any substance use or unsafe behavior?
Signs that I still need to improve my diet: I get dizzy sometimes and the bruises on my legs are horrendous (especially after my bicycle accident, but they’re uglier than they normally would be). I still do “body checks” multiple times a day. This includes weighing myself (I avoided the scale today, but last week I weighed myself three times in one day— WHY!?!) and analyzing areas of my body that I’m unhappy with every time I am in front of a large mirror.
Did you complete your commitment?
I committed to never purging again. It’s been over 7 months since I’ve last purged.
Community resource update:
I am seeking a clinician to finally reach recovery.
Dr. Martin Luther King.
Taken from his speech, “Why I oppose the war in Vietnam.”